i come to many conclusions tonight

i realized that no matter how much you want something to work. it just doesnt. you cant change fate. you cant overcome its power of destiny. you cant will something and make it come true. i think sometimes your suppose to meet people. just to confuse you. cuz when you do find someone special to you. your appreciate them more.

when people say...let them go. and see if they come back to u... its an excuse to tell you, they gave up. dont want to try any longer. i use to think. letting go was the answer to all my problems. but its more painful than ever. cuz letting go means forgetting wats happened. wats truth. wats real to me. so

i decided to stop living in the past. and hope things will change. and stop hoping that i will get everything ive lost back. cuz i know i wont.

ill just end up looking like a jackass for thinking that.

i dont fuking care. if people think im bitter. cuz i think im being honest.

its eating me up....cuz im afraid to hope on to hope. and i dont want anyone to think im weak.

i always go for things, that wont work out. cuz inside....i really do want to make it work out. i go for the impossible. cuz i want someone to prove to me, that its worth it. that im worth it.

different thoughts.....

im surpised that im alive......for someone who takes soo much chances. maybe i shouldnt go into this. but ive seen friends die infront of me. i got mugged by a taxi cab when i was in 7th grade. i got into a car accident and hit a tree head on. (btw i had to pay a fine for hurting the tree) i got death threats by this husband to stop talking to her wife. been sick. drank a whole bottle of bacardi 151 and had to be sent to the hospital. gang tried to kill me in high school. (gurl liked me. i turned her down. didnt know she had a bf. a bf in a gang. thats the short story) vampire club isnt really life threating but...was scary. and theres more...but too personal. (thats an excuse to say..none of ur fuking bussiness)

havent gone to church stedly in over 5 years. not cuz i stop believing in God. but cuz when i did go. i was a lie to myself. pretending to be who im not. i wasnt a bad kid. but i felt church, was limiting my experience in life. limiting who i can be. wat i can experience. even the bad or the good. sooo i decided long ago, to find my own way.

during my college years, and maybe before that. i use to date lots of gurls. even at the same time. even to this day, i get heat for it. and to be honest, some parts of it i regret. not all. i learned from each person i met. and experienced alot of bullshiet. its not always a good thing. i felt like shiet. cuz i couldnt make up my mind. my heart hurted as much as my head did. and i dunno. soo instead of picking. i just kinda dissapeared. like a fuking asshole i am. even to this day, they probably dont know. but after this experience i learned alot. and learned from it.

first time i smoked weed was maybe 3 years ago. at the beach with my friend dave. i never really was a drug person. but other day...i drove by his house. realized that his house wasnt there anymore. kinda wish we kept in touch. maybe ill search for him. i have good memories of studying in his room. playing baseball. pretending were ball players. playing guitar together. talking about gurls. and how strange they are. going to punk rock clubs. and just watevers. bro, i know u wont see this. but you made a impact in my life, thats still felt now. wish you were around. ill find you, and buy u a beer...and we can talk about old times.

to another person. i cant understand. why you make things complicated. why letting go of wat we have, wat we built up, to torn it all down. is the only answer for you. maybe we can solve this answer together. instead of you trying to solve it alone. i think loneliness, is you being selfish. cuz if everyone knew how great you truly were. like i know you as. you wouldnt be lonely. pushing out the world, doesnt mean your protecting urself. ur only letting the wound in you grow. instead of letting people who care for you, in. maybe one day ur realize. just hope its not too late. cant wait to see you in person. and be like. baka wat took u soo long? making me wait. and then smile.

anyone reading this. if u think i give a shiet about wat you think about me. ur wrong. i dont care. soo if i dissappoint you. im fuking sorry. sorry for your dumb ass. lataz

 miss you, even though ur far from me. youve never felt closer.