Personally, I feel like this song is about the
"maybe".
My wonderwall is a specific person, someone whom I've known
and loved for many years,
who always seemed to know how to make things right.
There was so much emotion between us and yet so few words to describe it...
and
now, that person is not currently around and I'm left wondering if she'll still
be there to save me.
And that's kind of how I interpret the song.
It's about
wanting to believe in someone, though it is not entirely certain.
It is about
feeling as though they will be there, even if they won't.
The question marks
are all important. To me, "Wonderwall" is about hoping that the
person will save you,
that they will be there, but all the while having that
little tiny question mark lingering.
But you can't let go because "maybe,
you're gonna be the one that saves me."

Ever since April......time to time...i've been getting private phone calls from this dude. threating to kill me. he either has no life. or  way too much time on his hands.

so is there any way to find out who called me in private?

never realized until today but......

there was a point in the last few years. where all i did was play a certain video game called maplestory. im embarrassed when i mention it now. but i was really proud of my character. i worked really hard for it. i would isolate myself from the people i cared the most about. and just played the video game. at one point i would play for 20 hours straight on the weekends, and i was ranked #1 in my server at one point. i even use to sell items from the game for profit. i thought i was doing something productive when i was actually doing nothing. i was letting time fly by. and putting my faith in a freaken video game. i was pretty stupid when i look back on it now. im ashamed and its even hard to talk about it now... but when i was playing the game. i felt this sense of instant gratification. gave me fullfillment,  it was like a drug. i even tried to get people into the game, so i could keep playing. and use it as a excuse to bond with them. but the main reason i kept playing was because i wasnt happy with myself. i thought i can just create a new character, and just start over from a clean slate. and build it up. make it strong. and just forget about the world around me. live in a world of fantasy instead of reality. i have a friend name j who plays ALOT OF video games. hes a smart guy. he never studied for any of classes in college. he never studied for the naplex and passed. and became a pharmacist. but even with all that. hes not happy. he gambles. not so he can win money. but i think because he just likes the excitment of winning. As a friend i try and be there for him. I can see so much untapped potential going to waste. and that upsets me as a friend.

anyways. as i was feeling like myself again. i slowly stop playing. not needing the game to be happy. and finding happiness through friends, family, and faith. but most importantly in myself.

this is my farewell to toushirou3.  you were a great friend. but i must let you go....you outlived your purpose.

goals in the next or so 10 years.

visit japan

comiccon/anime festival

dress up like a samurai because i think there neat.

join my fellow anime friends in the celebration.

visit the ramen museum

look at the different kinds of ramen

wait for the cherry blossoms to bloom

sometimes you have to let go of the things that strangle u. like a blessing in disguse. looking foward to the future. instead of looking back at wat was, and wat was never there. it was a burden. no matter how hard you tried, it was never enough. the looks on there faces, the punishment i felt. its like a heavy load off my shoulders. a sweet kiss of death. working backwards from death to kiss. where there is no bittness. where there is no prejudice. we can just analysis. we can just hypothesis. we can dream of better things. something more meaningful. like a underline truth in all this. cuz in the end its all his.

CrazyCrazyCrazy....

been having crazy writers block. maybe cuz things have come in jumbles. making my head tangle up in a ball of ideas. crumpling down. after i found out the truth about someone. i realized, they meant more to me as a figure of my imagation. then knowning who there really are. does that make me a bad person. i hope not. i rather step back,  and believe blindly cuz inside i really dont want to believe that everything they ever told me was a lie. but i understand if they did. cuz i know how it feels to not like who u r. sometimes u just want to be someone else. and guess u thought i wont ever figure out. i wonder how long it would have lasted. doesnt it just pile on and on. and u choke on ur own lies. beging to breath. slowing you gasp for a breath of air. slowly. until you die. and everyone forgets who u r.  barely recognizing the truth from the lies... soo u become this shadow.

do you like losing people in your life? be real with yourself,

 cuz i didnt....

ps...captain planet is on at 530 am. does anyone remember that show? use to be the shitnitz back in the day...i always wanted to be a planet-tear thats the only postive thing i got for staying up late. well i did help a friend wake up to study for her test. i hope....either that or i pissed off her room mates...xP

update - powerpuff gurls are on at 6.30...woot~!!!! go buttercup...

tackle hug*****

         who wants to spend winter with urs truly?

holdon

letting go is hard...

the simplest things always turns complicated. and then the bitter sweet things just turns bitter. and it leaves a nasty taste in ur mouth. always preparing urself for the worst. wondering if its easier now. or later. did u do me a favor? or made things harder.. was i only worth this much. or this little. little things like hugs means soo much. and kisses are fainted memory. excuses takes over. destroying everything that was built up to be torn down again. was it u? was it me? was it the situation? was it a sinking ship to begin with? but it was a ride worth taking. cuz u meant more to me than losing u in the end. u meant breaking all the rules. and making our own. like a blank canvas wanting to be painted. soo lets see....

the thunder wakes me up from my dream of bliss. hitting different nerves. only a touch of ur skin. and a taste of ur salt will sooth me. take me to the drunkeness of reality. and sink me deeper into this coma. the sun is late today. maybe it forgot to turn on its alarm clock. and decided to sleep in. and everywhere in the world. u hear a harmonizing snore. life is perfect in this dreamland. where minds are roam to do watever it pleases. and dares to do the impossible or the inevitable. inhibitions and pleasures are mixed. living in a world of dreams and dreamers. i am soo there...

                                         thesideproject~

i come to many conclusions tonight

i realized that no matter how much you want something to work. it just doesnt. you cant change fate. you cant overcome its power of destiny. you cant will something and make it come true. i think sometimes your suppose to meet people. just to confuse you. cuz when you do find someone special to you. your appreciate them more.

when people say...let them go. and see if they come back to u... its an excuse to tell you, they gave up. dont want to try any longer. i use to think. letting go was the answer to all my problems. but its more painful than ever. cuz letting go means forgetting wats happened. wats truth. wats real to me. so

i decided to stop living in the past. and hope things will change. and stop hoping that i will get everything ive lost back. cuz i know i wont.

ill just end up looking like a jackass for thinking that.

i dont fuking care. if people think im bitter. cuz i think im being honest.

its eating me up....cuz im afraid to hope on to hope. and i dont want anyone to think im weak.

i always go for things, that wont work out. cuz inside....i really do want to make it work out. i go for the impossible. cuz i want someone to prove to me, that its worth it. that im worth it.

different thoughts.....

im surpised that im alive......for someone who takes soo much chances. maybe i shouldnt go into this. but ive seen friends die infront of me. i got mugged by a taxi cab when i was in 7th grade. i got into a car accident and hit a tree head on. (btw i had to pay a fine for hurting the tree) i got death threats by this husband to stop talking to her wife. been sick. drank a whole bottle of bacardi 151 and had to be sent to the hospital. gang tried to kill me in high school. (gurl liked me. i turned her down. didnt know she had a bf. a bf in a gang. thats the short story) vampire club isnt really life threating but...was scary. and theres more...but too personal. (thats an excuse to say..none of ur fuking bussiness)

havent gone to church stedly in over 5 years. not cuz i stop believing in God. but cuz when i did go. i was a lie to myself. pretending to be who im not. i wasnt a bad kid. but i felt church, was limiting my experience in life. limiting who i can be. wat i can experience. even the bad or the good. sooo i decided long ago, to find my own way.

during my college years, and maybe before that. i use to date lots of gurls. even at the same time. even to this day, i get heat for it. and to be honest, some parts of it i regret. not all. i learned from each person i met. and experienced alot of bullshiet. its not always a good thing. i felt like shiet. cuz i couldnt make up my mind. my heart hurted as much as my head did. and i dunno. soo instead of picking. i just kinda dissapeared. like a fuking asshole i am. even to this day, they probably dont know. but after this experience i learned alot. and learned from it.

first time i smoked weed was maybe 3 years ago. at the beach with my friend dave. i never really was a drug person. but other day...i drove by his house. realized that his house wasnt there anymore. kinda wish we kept in touch. maybe ill search for him. i have good memories of studying in his room. playing baseball. pretending were ball players. playing guitar together. talking about gurls. and how strange they are. going to punk rock clubs. and just watevers. bro, i know u wont see this. but you made a impact in my life, thats still felt now. wish you were around. ill find you, and buy u a beer...and we can talk about old times.

to another person. i cant understand. why you make things complicated. why letting go of wat we have, wat we built up, to torn it all down. is the only answer for you. maybe we can solve this answer together. instead of you trying to solve it alone. i think loneliness, is you being selfish. cuz if everyone knew how great you truly were. like i know you as. you wouldnt be lonely. pushing out the world, doesnt mean your protecting urself. ur only letting the wound in you grow. instead of letting people who care for you, in. maybe one day ur realize. just hope its not too late. cant wait to see you in person. and be like. baka wat took u soo long? making me wait. and then smile.

anyone reading this. if u think i give a shiet about wat you think about me. ur wrong. i dont care. soo if i dissappoint you. im fuking sorry. sorry for your dumb ass. lataz

 miss you, even though ur far from me. youve never felt closer.

he sits in his room quietly. thinking of the past. cherishing every up and downs. learning to deal and cope with the daily struggles of life. and just trying to live. decided to pick up the phone and call. but i guess u were sleeping. to a far and better place. soo i try and close my eyes. and say a small prayer. i hoped ur sadness would melt. that ur scars will heal. and that u would realize that, theres people who care for you. that even though u cant see them, doesnt mean there not there.  

                                                 havefaith  

                                                                                                         iheartu